Memories... happiness bitter sweet or sour locked up in a box...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

...Confession...Profiteor...Beichte...
This years holiday has been a though one, after the perth trip that is!!!

I lost a friend whom I made her mad (as in angry!!! not crazy!!!). I thought not telling is better but I was soooo wrong!!! I'm sorry & I will not do it again!!! I will tell you everything from now on!!! (except of going to the toilet!!!)
I work in a job that is sooo not for me!!! I slacked!!! I can't get customers!!! which results to a low pay (Very low pay!!!)
The low pay made my parents mad (again angry!!!). But it is their fault for noe listening to me carefully!!! Then they start accusing me of not considering or asking properly. They rant at me and call me names that I hate most and will probably stuck in my head for a very very long time!!!
Because of my parents, I give them the cold shoulder!!! why? because I'm mad!!! (this time, as in crazy!!!). I am so obssesive in the names that they call me, that I took it as a life title for myself!!! I lock myself in my room, to avoid them!!! Eat very little or just cook for myself & not eating wat my mum cook.
My relationship with my family is broken, now I feel uneasy around them...I dare not ask for anything from them...I dare not talk to them unless spoken to...I dare not eat with them which results in me eating by myself...& I dont like being around them!!!
I made my 2 trustee friends guilty for me to reveal my darkest secrets (which I thought they are...). Gals I have no regrets in telling, hope u keep it till death!!!
I was worried sick for my results. Which turn out fine!!!

...Also after this bad times, there are good times in between...

In my new job, I found good friends...love them lots!!!
I brought 3 novels about vampires which cheer me up in my room.
I pass my Ns!!! yes!!!

...As you can see, my joy is not that much...I know that I shouldnt complain because there are others who has it worse... I'm sorry if this post makes you sick but I nid to tell someone or make my problems known!!!
But what ever it is, just fuck up and go back!!! No one ask you to read it anyways...

ps. Merry Christmas!!! God bless you all!!! & Happy New Year!!!

Yan danced till dawn at 7:41 AM

Friday, December 19, 2008

It felt like just yesterday that I got my N-level results. No! Wait! It was yesterday!!!

I met up with Ella & Vanessa before going to school. God, they look better den me!!! Den we went to sch, alot of ppl couldnt get tru because Mr S. was keeping guard...long hair, long fringe, coloured hair, etc. all was forbidden to enter the sacred ground of doomsday(results day)

In the hallowed hall, we waiting for our misery to conquer but it went awaste because we got excited wen we see our frens. Especially peiyun, we went ooh we she suddenly sat beside us...

When Mr B. talk, it felt like a century, he made us fell on our knees begging tat our Ns will passed but hey, who wanna do tat!!!

Tis is it, the moment of truth has arrived, wateva happens, I will heck wit it!!! If I passed, I'll go to sec5, but if I fail.....I....I....I....I tink I'll take the navy offer, at least there is pay....

but come back to the moment of truth, .......................................................
.................................................................................................................
......................................................., I passed with not so flying colours.
I got the same aggregate as my prelim, the lucky number 7!!!
But I was sad!!! I got 3 for my MT instead of 2....My art passed as usual(not trying to brag or anything)

So here I will type my horrible marks to you
(ps. I passed my maths!!!!)

English language.........3
Comb. H.....................4
Maths........................5
Sci(Phy/Chem)..........4
Art............................1
Malay........................3
Malay oral.................Distinction

Yan danced till dawn at 4:30 AM

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I tink colour has come back to my face. I no longer feel sober nor mad, I feel like talking but to who???

My joy is probably brought to me by my new novel, "The Vampire Lestat". There I read of his pain, his life, his loneliness. I wish I could meet him so that he can make me into what I wanna be.

When come to think of it, being the undead is not as bad as it looks. All u nid is blood to feed to you, party all night & wealth beyond your imagination. And as for loneliness, it is not that bad, my life here itself is a lonely one. I have friends, family, and god?!?!. But none can I come to, it must be my fault but this loneliness is like centuries, but what is a century when I can spend million of years alone enjoying the moonlight at the towers of the eiffel or the pyramids.

Do you hear me Lestat or Armand or Mariuss, Make me into who you are!!!

But as joy slip into me, I can feel that life brings no more joy, I keep pondering on how am I going to see my friends, face my teachers or better yet see my results.....

Yan danced till dawn at 11:15 PM

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I quited my job because the pay is low. I know that part of it is my fault. I am lazy to look for customers & that I dare to admit.

But....

My family dont understand me at all. I know that times are bad. We are lacking in money but that does not mean they can rub salt to my wound. Its already three days now that I've given them the cold shoulder.

But am I mad at? Am I mad at them, my family? or should I be mad at the company that I worked for? or am I just mad at myself? That, I dont know, but what I know is that, I am longing for company. Not by my family or friends but of God.

God has long abandon me...whether he is still here or not, I dont know.

Next week, I will be getting my results. If I passed, I will be happy as hell. But if I fail, This cold shoulder will only be colder & I might commit suicide!

Right now, I really cant face my friends nor my family. ashamed? but ashamed of what? I cant face sab for she is mad at me. I cant face dila & nas for they know who I am. I cant face win & tiqah because of the job. I cant face my own family for the shame that I've brought to them because to them, I am labeled as "anak-kurang-ajar", "muka macam songotan babi" and "bodoh".

And I cant face the world because of the many mistakes, that I had done & will do in the future. I feel like running away, I wanna die but this heart is weak that I blame myself for who I am...

Yan danced till dawn at 1:38 AM

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

LIFE SUCKS!!!

Well, it does but wait till you(me) go to africa or any poor countries & see how life truely sucks!!!

1) I'm left with no money & my mum refuse to give some(darn bitch!!!) just kidding. My family is in a pretty bad shape in money. My mum & big bro is in the possibility of being fired, retrenched or wateva it is, because economy is bad(darn Bush!!!)

2) I wanna appologise to YOU. I now noe tat I should hav told you 'bout it!!! I am Sooooooo Sorry!!! If you want, I can or even dare to kneel & appologise to you or post an appology.

3) (different person) I noe tat I am a jerk!!! I noe tat since.....my job. 'cause ppl should change for the better. Yesterday, was just teasing you...no harm done but if u felt irritated or angry wit me, I appologise. & yes I hav many frens but my true frens r those whom I judge(don worry, I don get it either).

4) I am a change person!!! Since the incident, oni 2ppl noe bout tis. Since den, I've learned tat, u(me) nid to change for something tat u don wan ppl to see/noe. I can see in myself, tat I am a jerk, bitch, arse & yadayadayada. 'Cause, just in 1 month, I've created 4problems. Which is currently more den usual!!!

5) I'm desperate for money. (Money, money, money, must be funny!). I nid money to top-up my prepaid card. I nid money to make my book(Almost finish). I nid money for my own expenses. I nid money to hav money. Evrything is money!!!

And so I'm done wit my ranting... I noe tat it doesnt sound so emotional. But hey, wat can I say, I'm a jerk!!! So deal wit it!!!

Yan danced till dawn at 3:42 AM